As we get together for holiday celebrations this month it can be a good time to talk with your family about your estate plan, healthcare decisions or where you would like to live as you age. Sometimes these can make for meaningful conversations but there are also times when families aren’t always on the same page or don’t feel the same level of comfort when discussing these topics. This week we share some tips from family mediator Erik Feig of Feig Mediation Group on the best ways to have some of these hard conversations with your family.
Timing Matters
When you know the conversation may be difficult, set a time and place in advance where everyone can be present and able to focus. Having small children running around or the football game on in the background doesn’t allow everyone to be fully present and participate in the conversation. By setting a time in advance, everyone has a chance to prepare mentally and emotionally and give their full focus to what’s on the agenda for the conversation. This may mean that having a conversation during the holidays “just because everyone is together” may not be the best time for your family. If that’s the case it can still be a good time to figure out a time and place in the future after all the holiday celebrations are over to have your discussion.
Have a Conversation
Often we come into these conversations prepared in advance, and have spent some time mentally rehearsing what we’re going to say and the potential responses from our families. In doing this our brains have already processed the information and, in a real sense, we’ve thought about and had the family conversation – with ourselves – before speaking with anyone else. As a result, it can be hard to truly listen to what others are saying when we are having the conversation with them. This gets in the way of hearing each other and working together to find a solution. Instead, this is an opportunity to listen and be curious about what your family members have to say. Three tips for your conversation:
- Start by talking about what’s important to each of you and ask questions to understand the other person’s point of view. Even if you think you know the answers, ask again because the answer you receive might surprise you.
- Beware of falling into old habits – “but this is the way we’ve always done it”. While those habits may have served your family well in the past they may not be the best option for the future.
- Avoid all or nothing thinking. Saying things like “you always”, “you never”, “you can’t” closes the door and shuts down your conversation. This all or nothing thinking doesn’t allow you to explore what may be possible and find a new solution.
Understand Differences
Think about the family history that is being brought into the conversation and how other people process information. Your family is made up of different types of people, some may be introverted and quietly process information where others may be extroverted and think quickly on their feet. Taking into consideration everyone’s differences and how your family conversations can accommodate those differences will help you all. Maybe that means having an initial conversation where everyone can share their initial thoughts and feelings and then following up with a second conversation allowing those that need the time to process to have that thinking time. This will lead to a more involved conversation and allow everyone to be heard.
If all of this seems overwhelming or your family has tried to have these conversations before and haven’t had success. A mediator like Erik Feig can be a great resource to help you stay focused on what’s important and have conversations without all of the extra drama. You can find more information about Erik on his website Feig Mediation Group or Facebook.